It has been a week since I've started round #3 of the injections. I think things are going well. Much slower than last time as we have decreased the dose of medication. Dr. Kopher decreased the dose to try and prevent Hyperstimulation again. I had my second ultrasound this morning, still not much change but there is one measurable follicle on the right side. Hopefully things start to take off soon.
There is some good news....last Friday when I went to pick up the injections from the pharmacy the total was $0!!! I was stunned and surprised, I had my check ready for that big payment. Apparently we hit our max out of pocket for insurance. It makes things a little less stressful not worrying about how we are going to pay for things.
My estradiol level on Monday was 67...I will update later on what it was today.
Love, Kristen & Eli
Friday, June 5, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Start of Round #3
Today I had my baseline ultrasound to make sure everything looked okay to start injections. I don't usually have to have by blood drawn with a baseline ultrasound, but today I did. The ultrasound tech measured a follicle bigger than a cm and I needed my blood drawn to make sure that follicle wasn't being stimulated. I didn't hear from Dr. Kopher today so maybe tomorrow. Hopefully everything will be okay so we can start this third round.
Thank you so much for all of the new messages from people reading my blog from the Safe Haven Blog. I appreciate it very much. Thank you!
Love, Kristen & Eli
Thank you so much for all of the new messages from people reading my blog from the Safe Haven Blog. I appreciate it very much. Thank you!
Love, Kristen & Eli
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Writings from Mom
This is something another woman wrote. My mom gave it to me and when I read it, right away I connected with this woman, whoever she is. The feelings and emotions, she says them perfect in her writing.
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better in a sense. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him/her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save my discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. YES, I will be a wonderful mother!" (Author Unknown)
YES, I know I will be a wonderful mother, someday :)
Love, Kristen
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better in a sense. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him/her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save my discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. YES, I will be a wonderful mother!" (Author Unknown)
YES, I know I will be a wonderful mother, someday :)
Love, Kristen
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Results
Yesterday I had my Hysterosalpingogram, and after almost fainting 2 times, crying, mom crying and horrible pain, we FINALLY got good news! My uterus looks great, my tubes are clear and the dye they put in came out at my ovaries (which is what they want it to do). I felt like finally we are deserving of some good news through out all of this. Maybe this was gods sign to me that he is still listening and things will work out! Now we just wait until the end of May when we can start injections again!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I don't know where to go from here. For some reason this time has been very hard for me to "recover" from emotionally. My life feels empty, my arms feel empty and my heart so empty and alone. I have been trying to look to God for his grace and strength to move on, but I'm still mad at him. Mad things once again didn't work out. Mad that I have to ask the question "Why me?". Just mad at everything and why God has chosen this difficult path for me. I have so many unanswered questions right now that can't be answered. I feel blank. I feel silent. I am constantly thinking about what has happened and trying to figure out why. Why is something we will never know. How can God, creator of all things, let bad things happen to good people? Why is he doing this to me and why isn't he helping? I need God to do something for me right now, show me he is still listening and does care. Show me that someday he will answer our prayers and give us a miracle. I don't know how or what that something will be, but I will know when it happens. Until then, I'm not quite sure how to get rid of this wall between me and God.
I attended a conference yesterday for work. It was about pregnancy and fetal loss. Although I have never been pregnant or lost a baby, I felt and extreme connection with those who have. Each month I feel in my heart this will be the month. I dream about being pregnant, imagine a belly, a baby, a baby's room, boy, girl, what will he/she look like, where will I register, when will I have a baby shower..... All of the things a pregnant woman thinks about. I get confident and excited and just can't wait to take that test and see that + sign! All to only get shot down when I get that - sign and then a period. I feel like I have lost all that I "dreamt" I had, I lost that baby, my baby, another chance for that life I've dreamed of. I know I cannot completely compare losing a child and infertility, but I am positive I can compare the emotions felt and the grief process that happens. Maybe that is why I like to take the patients that are going to lose a baby or have a stillborn. I can connect with them on a level they are on. I can share emotions, feelings and be free with my words to them and their families. I learned a lot not only about myself from the conference but also about my patients and families.
One quick update on our "plan" this month. Monday I am going to have my hysterosalpingogram done at Regions Hospital. Eli is unable to go so my mom is coming with me. I am a little nervous because I have heard that it hurts. I plan on relaxing over the weekend and not thinking about it too much. This Sunday is our 1 year Anniversary! Can you believe it, its amazing how fast time goes by!
One more thing....this week is National Infertility Week. So please pray for those who you know are having trouble or cannot conceive. Thank you so so much for your support!
Love, Kristen
I attended a conference yesterday for work. It was about pregnancy and fetal loss. Although I have never been pregnant or lost a baby, I felt and extreme connection with those who have. Each month I feel in my heart this will be the month. I dream about being pregnant, imagine a belly, a baby, a baby's room, boy, girl, what will he/she look like, where will I register, when will I have a baby shower..... All of the things a pregnant woman thinks about. I get confident and excited and just can't wait to take that test and see that + sign! All to only get shot down when I get that - sign and then a period. I feel like I have lost all that I "dreamt" I had, I lost that baby, my baby, another chance for that life I've dreamed of. I know I cannot completely compare losing a child and infertility, but I am positive I can compare the emotions felt and the grief process that happens. Maybe that is why I like to take the patients that are going to lose a baby or have a stillborn. I can connect with them on a level they are on. I can share emotions, feelings and be free with my words to them and their families. I learned a lot not only about myself from the conference but also about my patients and families.
One quick update on our "plan" this month. Monday I am going to have my hysterosalpingogram done at Regions Hospital. Eli is unable to go so my mom is coming with me. I am a little nervous because I have heard that it hurts. I plan on relaxing over the weekend and not thinking about it too much. This Sunday is our 1 year Anniversary! Can you believe it, its amazing how fast time goes by!
One more thing....this week is National Infertility Week. So please pray for those who you know are having trouble or cannot conceive. Thank you so so much for your support!
Love, Kristen
Friday, April 24, 2009
This month wasn't in God's plan. We had a negative blood pregnancy test today. We are not pregnant :( . Eli doesn't cry much but when the doctor told us, he did. We are both so lost and devastated. Where do we go from here? Why isn't this working? So many unanswered questions that only He knows the answer to. I am so sad ...
I know we have talked and planned on taking a break, however we have together along with Dr. Kopher come up with another plan. We will wait this cycle out, I will sooner than later get a period. After the cycle is over Dr. Kopher ordered a Hysterosalpingogram (an x-ray that looks at my tubes and ovaries) to make sure there is no problems with my tubes. Than at the end of May start another round of injections, on the account that the x-ray came back okay. Dr. Kopher said it may be just "Bad Luck" or there is another underlying problem. If after that set of injections a pregnancy doesn't happen then we would talk about doing a small surgery that would allow Dr. Kopher to look on the inside with a camera. He would look at the scar tissue from my previous surgery. Sometimes so much scar tissue can make pregnancy impossible. He would also look for any sign of endometriosis. Which he doesn't believe I have because I have never had symptoms, but it still could be a possibility. If he were to find either two, in vitro fertilization would be the only option for pregnancy. At this point it would be something we would think about doing when and if the time comes.
Besides the bad news, my appointment went well. My ovaries and abdomen have decreased in size (still can't wear jeans yet!). I'm not nearly in as much pain, just sore. I am still on strict restrictions, however things will only get better from here. Dr. Kopher said he didn't want to put any bad karma on us but if I would have gotten pregnant this month it could have been dangerous. The pregnancy hormone makes the sweeling and pain 10x worse. My next appointment is on Wed.
Please continue to pray for us. I know someday God will listen ;). Thank you everyone for the cards, flowers, messages and phone calls in the past week. Everything has helped to make the week easier and faster! Thank you.
Love, Kristen & Eli
I know we have talked and planned on taking a break, however we have together along with Dr. Kopher come up with another plan. We will wait this cycle out, I will sooner than later get a period. After the cycle is over Dr. Kopher ordered a Hysterosalpingogram (an x-ray that looks at my tubes and ovaries) to make sure there is no problems with my tubes. Than at the end of May start another round of injections, on the account that the x-ray came back okay. Dr. Kopher said it may be just "Bad Luck" or there is another underlying problem. If after that set of injections a pregnancy doesn't happen then we would talk about doing a small surgery that would allow Dr. Kopher to look on the inside with a camera. He would look at the scar tissue from my previous surgery. Sometimes so much scar tissue can make pregnancy impossible. He would also look for any sign of endometriosis. Which he doesn't believe I have because I have never had symptoms, but it still could be a possibility. If he were to find either two, in vitro fertilization would be the only option for pregnancy. At this point it would be something we would think about doing when and if the time comes.
Besides the bad news, my appointment went well. My ovaries and abdomen have decreased in size (still can't wear jeans yet!). I'm not nearly in as much pain, just sore. I am still on strict restrictions, however things will only get better from here. Dr. Kopher said he didn't want to put any bad karma on us but if I would have gotten pregnant this month it could have been dangerous. The pregnancy hormone makes the sweeling and pain 10x worse. My next appointment is on Wed.
Please continue to pray for us. I know someday God will listen ;). Thank you everyone for the cards, flowers, messages and phone calls in the past week. Everything has helped to make the week easier and faster! Thank you.
Love, Kristen & Eli
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Prayer
This is a prayer that I found and say every night before bed. It fits our situation so perfectly; just thought I would share it.
O Lord, we long to have a child of our own. We are frustrated with all of the futile efforts we have made to fulfill this desire. We turn to You as our only hope because all life begins with You. We ask that You grant us the privilege of bringing a child into this world to rear and nurture in your admonition. Please remove every hindrance and obstacle to our conception.
We stand in faith that You will grant our petition just as You did when Hannah cried out to You for a child; nevertheless, if in Your infinite wisdom, You have looked into the future and, for whatever reason, determined it is not Your will for us to be the natural father and mother of a child, then we ask that You give us the grace to accept Your decision. Show us the next step to take. Help us exalt Your will above our own desires.
Give us peace as we submit to Your timing and Your sorvereign plan now. In the name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.
O Lord, we long to have a child of our own. We are frustrated with all of the futile efforts we have made to fulfill this desire. We turn to You as our only hope because all life begins with You. We ask that You grant us the privilege of bringing a child into this world to rear and nurture in your admonition. Please remove every hindrance and obstacle to our conception.
We stand in faith that You will grant our petition just as You did when Hannah cried out to You for a child; nevertheless, if in Your infinite wisdom, You have looked into the future and, for whatever reason, determined it is not Your will for us to be the natural father and mother of a child, then we ask that You give us the grace to accept Your decision. Show us the next step to take. Help us exalt Your will above our own desires.
Give us peace as we submit to Your timing and Your sorvereign plan now. In the name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.
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