I don't know where to go from here. For some reason this time has been very hard for me to "recover" from emotionally. My life feels empty, my arms feel empty and my heart so empty and alone. I have been trying to look to God for his grace and strength to move on, but I'm still mad at him. Mad things once again didn't work out. Mad that I have to ask the question "Why me?". Just mad at everything and why God has chosen this difficult path for me. I have so many unanswered questions right now that can't be answered. I feel blank. I feel silent. I am constantly thinking about what has happened and trying to figure out why. Why is something we will never know. How can God, creator of all things, let bad things happen to good people? Why is he doing this to me and why isn't he helping? I need God to do something for me right now, show me he is still listening and does care. Show me that someday he will answer our prayers and give us a miracle. I don't know how or what that something will be, but I will know when it happens. Until then, I'm not quite sure how to get rid of this wall between me and God.

I attended a conference yesterday for work. It was about pregnancy and fetal loss. Although I have never been pregnant or lost a baby, I felt and extreme connection with those who have. Each month I feel in my heart this will be the month. I dream about being pregnant, imagine a belly, a baby, a baby's room, boy, girl, what will he/she look like, where will I register, when will I have a baby shower..... All of the things a pregnant woman thinks about. I get confident and excited and just can't wait to take that test and see that + sign! All to only get shot down when I get that - sign and then a period. I feel like I have lost all that I "dreamt" I had, I lost that baby, my baby, another chance for that life I've dreamed of. I know I cannot completely compare losing a child and infertility, but I am positive I can compare the emotions felt and the grief process that happens. Maybe that is why I like to take the patients that are going to lose a baby or have a stillborn. I can connect with them on a level they are on. I can share emotions, feelings and be free with my words to them and their families. I learned a lot not only about myself from the conference but also about my patients and families.

One quick update on our "plan" this month. Monday I am going to have my hysterosalpingogram done at Regions Hospital. Eli is unable to go so my mom is coming with me. I am a little nervous because I have heard that it hurts. I plan on relaxing over the weekend and not thinking about it too much. This Sunday is our 1 year Anniversary! Can you believe it, its amazing how fast time goes by!

One more thing....this week is National Infertility Week. So please pray for those who you know are having trouble or cannot conceive. Thank you so so much for your support!

Love, Kristen

This month wasn't in God's plan. We had a negative blood pregnancy test today. We are not pregnant :( . Eli doesn't cry much but when the doctor told us, he did. We are both so lost and devastated. Where do we go from here? Why isn't this working? So many unanswered questions that only He knows the answer to. I am so sad ...
I know we have talked and planned on taking a break, however we have together along with Dr. Kopher come up with another plan. We will wait this cycle out, I will sooner than later get a period. After the cycle is over Dr. Kopher ordered a Hysterosalpingogram (an x-ray that looks at my tubes and ovaries) to make sure there is no problems with my tubes. Than at the end of May start another round of injections, on the account that the x-ray came back okay. Dr. Kopher said it may be just "Bad Luck" or there is another underlying problem. If after that set of injections a pregnancy doesn't happen then we would talk about doing a small surgery that would allow Dr. Kopher to look on the inside with a camera. He would look at the scar tissue from my previous surgery. Sometimes so much scar tissue can make pregnancy impossible. He would also look for any sign of endometriosis. Which he doesn't believe I have because I have never had symptoms, but it still could be a possibility. If he were to find either two, in vitro fertilization would be the only option for pregnancy. At this point it would be something we would think about doing when and if the time comes.
Besides the bad news, my appointment went well. My ovaries and abdomen have decreased in size (still can't wear jeans yet!). I'm not nearly in as much pain, just sore. I am still on strict restrictions, however things will only get better from here. Dr. Kopher said he didn't want to put any bad karma on us but if I would have gotten pregnant this month it could have been dangerous. The pregnancy hormone makes the sweeling and pain 10x worse. My next appointment is on Wed.
Please continue to pray for us. I know someday God will listen ;). Thank you everyone for the cards, flowers, messages and phone calls in the past week. Everything has helped to make the week easier and faster! Thank you.

Love, Kristen & Eli

Prayer

This is a prayer that I found and say every night before bed. It fits our situation so perfectly; just thought I would share it.

O Lord, we long to have a child of our own. We are frustrated with all of the futile efforts we have made to fulfill this desire. We turn to You as our only hope because all life begins with You. We ask that You grant us the privilege of bringing a child into this world to rear and nurture in your admonition. Please remove every hindrance and obstacle to our conception.
We stand in faith that You will grant our petition just as You did when Hannah cried out to You for a child; nevertheless, if in Your infinite wisdom, You have looked into the future and, for whatever reason, determined it is not Your will for us to be the natural father and mother of a child, then we ask that You give us the grace to accept Your decision. Show us the next step to take. Help us exalt Your will above our own desires.
Give us peace as we submit to Your timing and Your sorvereign plan now. In the name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.

Update

A lot has happened since I last updated....
Last Thursday and Friday I had the inseminations done. Following Dr. Kopher said I should expect to be a little sore in my abdomen. Friday night I was starting to feel somewhat bloated and had some pain. Saturday it was a little worse but I didn't think anything of it, just thought the pain was normal and that it would go away. I went to work Saturday night, but could barely walk and was very uncomfortable. Sunday I wasn't feeling well at all and so I called in sick to work, thinking I just needed some more time to rest. At this point I wasn't walking very well at all and was in a lot of pain. I tried everything to help the pain; warm packs, warm baths, Tylenol, resting. Nothing seemed to help. I did finally fall asleep on Sunday night and when I woke up Monday I felt a lot better, or so I thought. Monday evening I started having sharp pains on both sides of my abdomen and started feeling nauseated and vomiting. I called Eli and told him I wasn't feeling okay and that we needed to go to urgent care or the ER. We decided to just go to the closest which was the ER in Hudson. They put an IV in, drew labs, gave me pain meds and did ultrasounds. They came to the conclusion that I had Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome. Basically meaning my ovaries are enlarged and were causing the pain. I was given the option to either stay there overnight or be transferred to Regions to stay overnight. I chose to go to Regions because the OB/GYN doctors are there 24/7 and there isn't one around the clock at Hudson Hospital. We got to drive to Regions instead of be taken by ambulance. I was admitted and given a new IV, labs were taken and another ultrasound done. I slept most of the night with the pain medicine they gave me. The doctors came in the morning and explained more about what was going on. They were worried about things getting worse. Fluid could build up in my abdomen that would need to be drained, I had an increase risk for blood clots and had an increased risk of my electrolytes being off. All things were fine so far, but I needed to be monitored closely. After begging to go home, they let me leave around 12:30. They made me promise to rest and to watch myself closely for any changes. They were a little hesitant to let me leave but trusted I would follow up.
Today I had my first follow up appoiontment at Dr. Kopher's office. Things still looked pretty good. My electrolytes were okay and my abdomen still bloated but not more than before. I had a negative pregnancy test today, but it is still very early for it to show up. I have to do daily weights and measure my abdomen at home and call with any extreme changes. I also have to take some time off work. i have been trying to rest as much as possible. If things do get worse, it can happen in a matter of hours. Things will cerntainly get worse if I am pregnant. I have another appointment with Dr. Kopher on Friday as well as a lab appointment. Please continue to pray that we are pregnant and that things continue to get better over time. Thank you for all of your calls, messages, flowers, cards etc. Everything is very much appreciated. Thank you!

Love, Kristen

Plan for the rest of the cycle

My last ultrasound and blood work was yesterday! Yeah, so glad that is over with! When the doctor called yesterday she said that I had about 4 mature follicles that were growing and would be ready. There were 3 on the right and one on the left. Originally there was 5, but one wasn't continuing to grow. Dr. Kopher wanted them to get a little bigger, but didn't want to wait any longer than 12 hours or so because others are also growing and he didn't want to have eight mature follicles at the time of ovulation. So yesterday was also my last day of Follistim and today I gave myself the Ovidrel injection to release the mature eggs. Tomorrow is insemination #1 at 9:00AM and Friday insemination #2 at 9:30AM. Then the dreaded two week wait! I have no trips planned or things to do to pass the time quickly this month, so I'll have to try hard not to think about it! Please keep praying! Thank you for all of your encouraging words and messages I appreciate each and every one. Its things like that, that keep me positive! Thank you!

Love, Kristen & Eli

Much Needed Update

I have had such a busy schedule lately that I haven't had time to update on my blog! Plus we STILL don't have the Internet at home so it makes it hard to find a computer to update on. Since the last update A LOT has happened. I have had 3 more ultrasounds and blood work done. Friday my level was 328, Sunday my level was 693, Monday my level was 1255! There are about 5 follicles that are growing all together. Three on the right and two on the left. I did ask the doctor who called yesterday if five was too many and she said no but that we could cancel the cycle if Eli and I were not comfortable with it. We talked and have continued to go on with the cycle. The chance of all five fertilizing is not very likely, however the chance of more than one fertilizing is very likely. I had my fourth, and hopefully last, ultrasound and blood work today. I don't have the results, although I know that the follicles were much bigger than yesterday. So, if not tonight, very soon I should be ready to give myself the injection to release the eggs and than follow with two inseminations.
Please continue to pray for us as we go through this for a second time. Please pray that this month will be our month! Thank you.

Love, Kristen & Eli

Utrasound #1

Today was my first ultrasound and blood work. There were some eggs growing, but still many little ones. My estradiol level today was 114. Which is a great start! Last month my estradiol wasn't to that level until the 3rd ultrasound and blood work. So hopefully things are going faster this time! My next appointment at clinic is on Friday. We will see than if there is anymore change.
Please keep praying...although we can't control what god already has planned for us...please pray for strength and courage for Eli and I as we continue on this path of waiting for one of God's Blessings!

Love, Kristen & Eli

Last Monday at my baseline ultrasound I got the okay to go ahead and start round #2. Friday was my first injection. We are going to continue with the same dose as last month. There have been so many people tell me they have been dreaming about me and having a baby/babies. I once again am going into this with a positive attitude, at least trying. We still have decided to give this one more try and than take a break for awhile. But....lets pray this is the last time we even have to think about it....its going to work this month!
My first ultrasound during treatment is Tuesday morning. I will update after that! Please continue to pray for us!

Love, Kristen & Eli