Thursday, April 30, 2009

I don't know where to go from here. For some reason this time has been very hard for me to "recover" from emotionally. My life feels empty, my arms feel empty and my heart so empty and alone. I have been trying to look to God for his grace and strength to move on, but I'm still mad at him. Mad things once again didn't work out. Mad that I have to ask the question "Why me?". Just mad at everything and why God has chosen this difficult path for me. I have so many unanswered questions right now that can't be answered. I feel blank. I feel silent. I am constantly thinking about what has happened and trying to figure out why. Why is something we will never know. How can God, creator of all things, let bad things happen to good people? Why is he doing this to me and why isn't he helping? I need God to do something for me right now, show me he is still listening and does care. Show me that someday he will answer our prayers and give us a miracle. I don't know how or what that something will be, but I will know when it happens. Until then, I'm not quite sure how to get rid of this wall between me and God.

I attended a conference yesterday for work. It was about pregnancy and fetal loss. Although I have never been pregnant or lost a baby, I felt and extreme connection with those who have. Each month I feel in my heart this will be the month. I dream about being pregnant, imagine a belly, a baby, a baby's room, boy, girl, what will he/she look like, where will I register, when will I have a baby shower..... All of the things a pregnant woman thinks about. I get confident and excited and just can't wait to take that test and see that + sign! All to only get shot down when I get that - sign and then a period. I feel like I have lost all that I "dreamt" I had, I lost that baby, my baby, another chance for that life I've dreamed of. I know I cannot completely compare losing a child and infertility, but I am positive I can compare the emotions felt and the grief process that happens. Maybe that is why I like to take the patients that are going to lose a baby or have a stillborn. I can connect with them on a level they are on. I can share emotions, feelings and be free with my words to them and their families. I learned a lot not only about myself from the conference but also about my patients and families.

One quick update on our "plan" this month. Monday I am going to have my hysterosalpingogram done at Regions Hospital. Eli is unable to go so my mom is coming with me. I am a little nervous because I have heard that it hurts. I plan on relaxing over the weekend and not thinking about it too much. This Sunday is our 1 year Anniversary! Can you believe it, its amazing how fast time goes by!

One more thing....this week is National Infertility Week. So please pray for those who you know are having trouble or cannot conceive. Thank you so so much for your support!

Love, Kristen


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