Miracles

( I wrote this Monday, blogger wouldn't let me post until today! )

This is a LONG overdue post. So much has happened since the last post! Many of you who know me in person know the good news already :-)

A week ago today I had a follow-up ultrasound to look at the size of the hemorrhage. I was expecting it to be the same size, praying it wasn't any bigger. I was SO nervous, but thankfully Eli was there with me and he is always best at calming my nerves. The ultrasound tech looked at the report from the previous ultrasound, noting where the hemorrhage was seen before. Then started the ultrasound. The first words she said were "I don't see anything". WHAT!!! I was completely SHOCKED!!! What do you mean you don't see anything?? There was a huge hemorrhage there 2 weeks ago. She looked and looked, even got another ultrasound tech to look and did a vaginal ultrasound. Nothing. No bleeding. No hemorrhage. Just one perfect looking baby and one completely attached placenta! I couldn't have been happier, I just kept thanking God. Once again He performed a miracle!

Since then, I have had another OB appointment. Dr. B looked over the report from the ultrasound and reviewed the pictures. The hemorrhage is gone, for now. It may come back if that part of the placenta is some how irritated. However, as weeks go on the chance of it returning is less and less. I keep thanking God over and over and have more faith in Him then I EVER have. I have now started to enjoy being pregnant once again. I have been a little less nervous. Although, I know those nerves won't completely go away, even when baby is here happy and healthy!

Thank you all for your continued prayers! Keep praying! I will be 16 weeks on Wednesday, time seems to be flying by now. We can't wait for the next big milestone, find out baby's gender!!

Love, Kristen

Everything Happens for a Reason

No new updates on the hemorrhage....we have an ultrasound Monday for another follow-up so I will have one then. I don't expect it to have disappeared, which would be a miracle, but I do hope it hasn't grown. I am having the ultrasound done basically for my knowledge. As the doctors said, we won't change the plan if it has grown or gotten smaller. I have talked to MANY OB doctors at work and all have many different opinions on subchorionic hemorrhages. However, overall I have gotten good feedback on my situation, making things a little easier.

To ease my mind I rented a fetal heart rate Doppler. It is an amazing feeling listening to our peanut's heart beat and being able to hear him/her moving around! He/she is really easy to find, always in the same spot and always has a heart rate of 155-160. It has made me relax a little!

I feel like I should share what I have come to discover over the last 2 weeks.....it is my place with God. Growing up I was raised Catholic went to church with my mom every week, attended catechism and had a good relationship with God. I carried my beliefs as I got older, married in a catholic church and instilled my beliefs in my relationship with my husband. Then, infertility put a huge burden in my relationship with God and my beliefs. I didn't shut Him completely out of my life, but my relationship wasn't as strong with Him. Those 3 years I was mad at Him. I couldn't come to understand why He wouldn't bless us with a baby, why He was doing what He was doing. Each negative test I saw and each month that went on without being pregnant my faith got less and less. When I finally became pregnant I started letting Him back into my life, but was cautious. Still so numb and angry for what I had to go through, still not understanding why we had to work so hard for what others could have so easily. Since the news of my hemorrhage increasing and the chance of losing our miracle, God came back into my life full force. I apologized to Him and told Him I how much I needed Him in my life. I have a stronger relationship with Him now then I have ever had. I truly believe in Him, His miracles, His beliefs and I follow Him. I trust His plan for my life and have completely let Him have control over this little miracle He gave to us. I believe it was in His plan to give us a "scare" so that I would come back in to His life and come back into His trust. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and this is a perfect example. There isn't a day that goes by now that I don't talk to Him, pray to Him and completley feel at peace with our relationship. I will forever be greatful for this.

I will update Monday after the ultrasound. PLEASE keep praying....it is working....we still have a healthy happy peanut! Thank you!

Love, Kristen

Follow up

I had a "follow-up" appointment today in clinic. Dr. B is on vacation so I saw another doctor who is just as amazing. She started the appointment off with a quick ultrasound of the baby. He/she had a strong heart beat and was moving around, all reassuring things.

We then discussed the hemorrhage. Yes, it is still there and has most definetly gotten bigger since May 24th. How much bigger is hard to tell but much bigger then before. A great deal of the rest of the placenta is still very much attached and hopefully giving adequate nourishment to baby. The fact that it has grown is worrisome. Does it mean I am going to lose the baby?? No one knows, but someone with a "perfect" pregnancy could lose their baby and no one would ever be able to predict that either. It does make me more at risk, but Dr. H said she wouldn't change anything about what I am doing at this point. The hemorrhage may be absorbed by my body or may bleed out. Lets hope and pray it does one of the other and doesn't continue to grow more.

This is where we stand. Right now we have a healthy little peanut growing and moving. I need to concentrate on that fact. In my heart I know God wants me to have this baby. Please continue to pray, I know prayer works and we need it more then ever. Thank you!

Love, Kristen

Hemorrhage Increases

I have never been so sad and scared in my life.....

This morning while working, I started spotting....then bleeding....then clots were coming. I immediately clocked out at work and was seen in triage. We heard baby's heart beat on the Doppler, 160s....I stopped shaking with fear. Dr. M did a quick bedside ultrasound, baby was moving around and even waved to us :-) Since I have the history of the hemorrhage I was sent to do a formal ultrasound to make sure it wasn't growing.

We waited....and waited....the results came. The hemorrhage has grown....large. It is now almost all the way around the placenta. Instead of being considered small, it is considered large. More dangerous for the pregnancy. No one could say anything to make the numbness of the situation better. I didn't cry until I got in my car, and since the tears haven't stopped. There is nothing we can do. Its comparable to a placental abruption. I could still go on to have a normal pregnancy, we just have to wait. Wait to lose the baby or wait and wait for what we hope to be an okay pregnancy. The baby is fine. Perfect in fact. No anomalies were seen, he/she was moving around, good heart beat. I feel horrible. I feel like my body is failing, once again, and not giving this baby the perfect "home" he/she needs. There is nothing we can do, nothing anyone can do. This is in god's hands.

My neighbor said to me tonight, "One shouldn't have to go through so much". While going through infertility there were times I didn't think it was fair, but knew it was the path god wanted me to be on. Now this...to give us such a gift and miracle and then take it away...that is just cruel. I know I have asked for prayer before, but please I am asking once again. We need it more then ever now. Thank you.

Love, Kristen