I have never been so sad and scared in my life.....
This morning while working, I started spotting....then bleeding....then clots were coming. I immediately clocked out at work and was seen in triage. We heard baby's heart beat on the Doppler, 160s....I stopped shaking with fear. Dr. M did a quick bedside ultrasound, baby was moving around and even waved to us :-) Since I have the history of the hemorrhage I was sent to do a formal ultrasound to make sure it wasn't growing.
We waited....and waited....the results came. The hemorrhage has grown....large. It is now almost all the way around the placenta. Instead of being considered small, it is considered large. More dangerous for the pregnancy. No one could say anything to make the numbness of the situation better. I didn't cry until I got in my car, and since the tears haven't stopped. There is nothing we can do. Its comparable to a placental abruption. I could still go on to have a normal pregnancy, we just have to wait. Wait to lose the baby or wait and wait for what we hope to be an okay pregnancy. The baby is fine. Perfect in fact. No anomalies were seen, he/she was moving around, good heart beat. I feel horrible. I feel like my body is failing, once again, and not giving this baby the perfect "home" he/she needs. There is nothing we can do, nothing anyone can do. This is in god's hands.
My neighbor said to me tonight, "One shouldn't have to go through so much". While going through infertility there were times I didn't think it was fair, but knew it was the path god wanted me to be on. Now this...to give us such a gift and miracle and then take it away...that is just cruel. I know I have asked for prayer before, but please I am asking once again. We need it more then ever now. Thank you.